don't think twice

someday i will be filled with an inherent rightness regarding my existence. but that isn't today yet.

someday. and i hope soon.

i want so much but all i can think is

LET ME GET AT YOU.

like truth, like ice, like fire

i've been thinking about things i am going to change a lot lately.

my major is one of them.

i've been spending a lot of time trying to "self-improve" this summer.

i have become genuinely happier, with a little help. i've been trying to take better care of my hair and skin and nails.  the weather is not helping with this, but i'm giving it my best shot. need to remember to work hard, both at my research and with sticking to goals. kind of important.

i'm going to be less scared and less jumpy, that is the plan. i am going to be comfortable in my own skin and do what needs to be done.

i am going to take new risks. i am going to be honest. i am going to do what makes me happy and satisfied instead of doing what is expected of me. i am going to be okay with not knowing.

i know i don't hold all the cards. i am going to stop grasping for them.

have myself a home-life

due to unforeseen complications in what ended up being a failed plan, i was at my most upset and frustrated and even angry (something i don't express very often) earlier today. i was blue and lonely.

i haven't really seen people in over a week, and things were just feeling like i had made a huge mistake in deciding to come back to madison for the summer and in a lot of other ways, too. but then my mom staged an intervention (because as previously mentioned, she always knows), and i was whisked out to have dinner at the home of some very close family friends.

even though i am still disappointed and sad and angry, being with people who know me so well and love me and genuinely want to be with me is such a lovely feeling. i hadn't realized how very lonely i have been the last week until i wasn't lonely. i like not being lonely.

i love being loved and being with those i love.

big mouths need big, big ears

i am beginning to think that the recent streak of broken possessions is the physical manifestation of my inability to keep my life together.

need to keep it together.

symbols clashing everywhere

Little tangled but ready to fly.

Hope is in the air these days.

Hong Kong Garden - Siouxsie and the Banshees

spin me around again and rub my eyes

Just hang me out to dry and leave me there for a while.

I'll come back sun-bleached, bright, and smelling like fresh linen.

Just give me a minute and make sure it doesn't rain.

when so much is left undone

I made it through, and here I am without anything to say about it that anyone wants to hear.

And, so, I won't. Maybe when I have some sleep in me, I'll have some kind of deep thoughts, but right now, I'm looking forward to a warm bed, biking to Bouchee for breakfast in the morning, and scouting out a birthday present fit for a soon-to-be teenager.

There are simple joys to be had in life. Like this:

feel like you're living in a russian play where it seems like you made everybody mad

you curl your fists and you pull your hair

Today, I am less sure that things always end the way they should.

I am young and lost.

Want to go home. Need to go home. Scared to go home.

there's a place and time for everything, i know - don't ask

Sometimes things are strangely broken or just plain wrong. This is the way things work. This is how it's meant to be. They'll get fixed or respelled eventually.

c'est l'homme ideal charme au masculin

Think I'm going to quit school and become a party promoter. Yeah.

These are two songs on pretty heavy rotation right now:

Sexy Boy  - Air

Little Bit - Lykke Li

I hate you, macroeconomics.

hey baby, don't you know? our dreams, they are the same.

Sometimes, I am very aware that I am young, alive, and experiencing things I will hold close to my heart for the rest of my life.

Music, friends, spontaneity, late nights in noisy apartments and on quiet streets, record stores, concerts and DJ sets and surprise appearances, sunny days, lakes and grass and hills and street lights - this combination is the territory I live in. I wouldn't trade it in at all.

Is there more than this?

was i more alive then than i am now?

So, here in the Greek Theater of the SAC, Bade is doing something diligently on her computer. She feels fine. She's eating mangos.

Intensity is sitting on a concrete floor with a water bottle. Not sure why that would be an appealing option. But he apparently feels good enough to drink or eat.

I on the other hand, just ate my body weight in fried food at "Food on a Stick" night. Please see the following for the answer to the title of this post:
In case you were wondering, the answer to this question is a resounding "no." I might die. Or go into a food coma. Oh dear Lord. Ohhh dear.

Brandon and Danielle are so much smarter than me. Todd, on the other hand, ate just as much junk and then ate another cotton candy. He might be a goat, secretly.

Why do I do this to myself? Brigid, I hate you.

i wanna bring back the bison

So yesterday.

I had this long entry planned in which I was going to talk about I was in such a good mood for no real reason, when I should be stressed and concerned. But then I had the kind of evening that puts a pall on the rest of the day, even if it was awesome. But because the rest of the day wasn't actually good, I hit the edge and cried in a shopping mall and actually several other sundry places. If anyone has any advice on how to draw up a spare $500-some dollars, let me know, thanks.

I think the reason I am so worked up about my failures with technology is because they were really avoidable. Had I not tried to fix my phone with KrazyGlue, Verizon would have replaced it for free. Had I not tried to remove said glue with GooGone, it would not have soaked into the screen and messed my phone up even more. And apparently coffee or Coke was spilled on my keyboard at some point, putting me out another $315.

Awesomely, my warranties would have covered a non-glued phone replacement and a new top-case for a non-coffeed Mac. I am so awesome. I should probably drive over my iPod when I'm home just to round things out.

Also, people at malls are really bizarre. There are hordes of families with about eight children under four, hooligans who just stand around in the food court, the mall-walkers, seventh grade hookers, you know them all. It's stressful.

I am going home in about an hour. I am both afraid to face my mother and relieved that I can go somewhere that I can sleep with dogs and my little sister sharing my bed, watch movies, go out to eat, and sit across the street at my grandparents' and do nothing.

I will also get to have so much Catholic in my life in the next few days, which is always a good time. Go Jesus. Go totally cult events like the Easter Vigil.

Deep breath. And this:

i can say i hope it will be worth what I give up

My baby is ill.

Her keyboard and touchpad are non-responsive, though the rest of her is living and working just fine. It's like she's in one of those terrible, terrible "trapped in your body" comas, which I think might be the most terrifying thought I can imagine. In all honesty, I get the shivers sitting here in the library lab just thinking about it

Back to thoughts of my Mac getting fixed:


Don't worry, baby. I'm taking you to the mall on Saturday. The geniuses at the Apple Store will help you. Then we can do lots of homework together and listen to our favorite songs. It's going to be okay.

I'm surprisingly not super worked up over this. This is probably the biggest sign that I have become too tired to care about much because I tend to get upsetabout my laptop running out of battery and this is far more dire.

Back to the mines for me.

the questions of a thousand dreams, what you do and what you see

I'm not going to lie to you. At least not here.

And here's what I'm not lying about: I am not a very interesting person.

That's not to say I'm not slightly strange with an embarrassing propensity to do bizarre things with little impetus - I am, and I do. But these things are not inherently interesting, nor am I very good at telling stories.

So this is just a quick disclaimer: I do not promise to entertain you. I do not promise to say anything worthwhile. I do not promise to be deep or wise. I do not promise that there will be good stories.

I have a feeling that this will end up rather like the many tangential, one-sided conversations (read: rambling monologues) that are rather typical of me. Such is life, you know.

Such is life.